Relationship Reflection

I believe that as human beings our relationships with others help contribute to our health and well-being. They help us feel safe, supported and valued. Research has shown that people feel better just being around others. I feel very fortunate to have many close relationships in my life. Each has enriched my life in some way. Some have helped influence my values and beliefs and in others I feel accepted for who I am and receive the support and encouragement I need. I am unsure as to what my life would be like if I didn’t have those relationships in my life.

 

Among the many relationships in my life, the relationship I share with my husband, our three year old daughter and my parents are extremely important to me. My husband and I are extremely close and very much attuned to what is going on in each other’s life. We will be celebrating our 10^th wedding anniversary this December. Looking back, I can see how our life experiences over the years helped strengthen our relationship. Not long after we got married, we left our family behind in Sri Lanka and moved to the US so my husband could attend graduate school. When we arrived in the US neither of us had a job and we didn’t have a place to stay. We had about five thousand dollars, four bags and a graduate school placement. We faced many challenges during the first few years. We didn’t have anyone to turn to but each other. The fact that we didn’t have a lot of extra money at the time helped us appreciate what we did have. Small gestures of love made our relationship more meaningful. When I arrived home at the end of a long day after working two jobs, my husband would meet me at the bus stop to walk me home where he would have a delicious dinner waiting for me. He was unable to work due to his student visa status but found creative ways to support our family while I worked to support us financially. I truly believe that these experiences and our shared Faith in God is what made our relationship what it is today. My husband continues to be an incredible source of support. He is always there to calm my fears and concerns and he has taught me ‘not to sweat the small stuff’. He allows me to have my moments when I do, and knows that sometime I just need him to listen. He taught me that our relationships and the people in our lives are more important than anything else. It is easier to replace material things than undo hurt feelings. God, our commitment to each other and open communication continues to serve as the foundation of our relationship. Although our days our extremely busy and tiring, we make it a point to talk to each other several times during the day, make time to do something special together like cuddling on the couch watching a movie and most of all take the time to talk to each other about our day and plan for the next before we go to sleep. 


My husband and I have a very close relationship with our little daughter. She has brought so much love into our lives and helps us stay in perspective. Listening to her pray and thanking God for her milk, pizza, the sun and the birds outside her window reminds me not to take anything for granted. In the car on the way home from work or while having dinner we usually take turns talking about our day. It warms my heart and I feel valued when she asks me ‘How was your day Mommy?’ When she calls out ‘It’s my turn to talk now’ I am reminded how important it is for each of us to have the chance to voice our thoughts and be heard. I always allow her to be heard and try to negotiate without immediately saying ‘no’ to something she is asking for. I always remind her that if she wants me to listen to her, she needs to listen to me as well. As any three year old, she speaks her mind and voices her feelings openly. It makes me realize how important open communication is to our relationships. No matter how tired I am or how much I have to do, I make it a point to spend quality time with her each day and be there for her when she needs me. I hope that as she grows up we will be able to share the same close relationship that we do now. 



I am thankful for my parents for who I am today. They helped my values and beliefs and have been very positive role models in my life. They taught me the importance of hard work, the value of an education and most of all Faith in God. My parents were a good example of what it means to be in a committed relationship despite facing challenges. Miles separate us but we continue to share a very close relationship. We call each other at least once a week and update each other on what is going on each other’s lives. I feel loved when my Mom calls me from half way around the world to warn me of bad weather in the US! I value my parents’ opinion and still talk to them before making any major life decisions. I feel sad that I am unable to see them and spend time with them as often as I would like. That just makes the time we do get to spend with each other even more meaningful. 


One of the most important things that all my relationships have taught me is the importance of open communication. I was never much of a talker, but my husband has been key in getting me to open up to talk things through when we faced challenges. I have also realized that often times, the reason we both would get into conflict with our daughter is because we didn’t take the time to listen and understand what she is trying to say. I try to be a better listener. Accepting each other and valuing each for who we are and not trying to change each other, is an important lesson I learnt in my marriage. We have both learned to compromise and meet each other half way. We try to have discussions versus arguments. I view my relationship with my husband as a partnership. We are both equally invested and committed to our family and take the time and effort to make it work.  


My relationships have taught me much and as an educator, I bring much of who I am into my work. I believe that the many lessons I have learned such as commitment, open communication, active listening, the willingness to compromise and accepting each individual for who they are versus trying to change them will help me be a more effective early childhood professional.

When I think of child development............

The following quotes about children and development serve as a reminder that each child is unique and develop at their own pace within nurturing relationships.

Development, it turns out, occurs through this process of progressively more complex exchange between a child and somebody else--e specially somebody who's crazy about that child.

                  - Urie Bronfenbrenner

Children allowed to develop at their own speed will usually win the race of life. 

                   - Fred O. Gosman

There’s one basic rule you should remember about development charts that will save you countless hours of worry…..The fact that a child passes through a particular developmental stage is always more important than the age of that child when he or she does it. In the long run, it really doesn’t matter whether you learn to walk at ten months or fifteen months – as long as you learn how to walk.

                      -Lawrence Kutner

 

Every child has an inner timetable for growth--a pattern unique to him. . . . Growth is not steady, forward, upward progression. It is instead a switchback trail; three steps forward, two back, one around the bushes, and a few simply standing, before another forward leap.

                      - Dorothy Corkville Briggs

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

                     - Virginia Satir

Multiple intelligences and standardized testing

During a recent conversation with my sister-in-law, I inquired as to how my 3 ½ year old nephew was doing in preschool. I was dismayed to learn that he is going through what sounded like an intensive process to prepare him for an assessment he will have to pass in order to gain admission into elementary school in another year and half. Homework in preschool? A test at age 5 to gain admission to elementary school? I have been trying very hard to understand why my nephew at the age of 3, has to sit and practice his letters each evening instead of being free to play and run around outside like any other 3 year old. This has become a source of stress for his mother who struggles to get him to sit and focus and has created a negative idea about school and learning for him. 

Looking back at my own experience attending school in Sri Lanka, I remember the amount of emphasis that was placed on standardized testing. It truly was a source of stress to all; both children and parents. The school year was divided into three terms and at the end of each term we had to face an examination in each subject. The grades earned determined each student’s overall ranking in the class at the end of the year. At the national level, in fifth grade, children had the option of taking a test that would allow them to be transferred to a school with a higher ranking. For many children from rural areas this exam was their only path to gain access to a better education. In 9th grade all students began to prepare for a written national level exam referred to as the Ordinary Level exam that they took in 11^th grade where they were tested on content learned during the previous three years. The scores from this exam determined what majors the students were eligible to pursue. For the next 2 ½ years student prepared for another written exam referred to as the Advanced Level examination. Students were assessed on content related to their major and scores on this exam determines a student’s eligibility to gain admission into college. This exam is extremely competitive as this is the only path to gain access to higher education to state universities and they don’t have the capacity to accommodate all the students seeking a higher education. Throughout a child’s school career, the goal of parents and eventually the children is to use all possible means to excel in these exams, as these exams alone determine their future. 

                Only a few of my friends did well enough at the national level in the advanced level exam to qualify to gain admission to a state university. I was not one of them. Does this mean we were not as intelligent as others who did? The answer is no. It just means that some of us were either not as good as others at retaining information drilled into us or didn’t do well at test taking under pressure. Or it meant that a single written test was not at all the best way to assess all students. Unfortunately for us then and now, the structure of the education system requires such testing. I recall friend who used to get panic attacks each time exams were near. Another who would get stomachaches during exams. Although our intelligence was judged by our parents, our teachers and ultimately ourselves based on the results of these exams alone, many of friends have proven that test results alone don’t determine intelligence by going on to excel in their chosen career paths. What if were assessed on what we could instead of testing to find out what we couldn’t? What if my friend who was very creative but not so good at writing was allowed to do a science project on atomic structures instead of struggling to write them out during an exam? What about my friend who couldn’t remember much taught in class but remembered every line in the school play? What if our individual abilities and intelligences were taken into account rather than measuring it by comparing it to others? If so, many of us would have felt far less stressed throughout our school years and had a feeling of more self-worth about our intelligence. 

                I believe that each individual is unique in how they learn and the type of intelligences they have. I agree with Gardener’s theory of multiple intelligences (Berger, 2012). He believed that humans have multiple intelligences; linguistic, logical, mathematical, musical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic and existential. Some display more intelligence in one area while others excel in another. My 10 year old niece loves to read and write and therefore does well in school assessments. My 13 year old nephew on the other hand is a hands-on-learner who doesn’t read unless he has to and struggles to maintain his grades but can figure out anything to do with electronics on his own. Is a formal written exam the best way to assess both? Both of them are intelligent in their own way but the type of assessments they face say one is more intelligent than the other. According to an article by the California Department of Education, “Students may perform poorly in a given subject not because they cannot learn but because the strategy used to teach them was inconsistent with their learning styles. And teachers and students alike often confuse mismatches in styles of teaching and learning with lack of ability”. I believe that it is important to recognize that individuals vary in their intelligences as well as learning styles. I believe that instruction should be modified to meet individual needs and the assessment methods used should allow individual children to display their knowledge in their own unique way. Students should be given the opportunity to be assessed over a time period rather than just in one instance. Consideration should be given to the fact that how a student responds to an assessment may depend on facts such as the assessment setting, whether the way the child is being assessed allows the child to understand clearly what is being asked of him etc. 

References

Berger, K. S. (2012). The developing person through childhood (6th ed.). New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

California Department of Education (2001). Effects of Multiple Intelligences on Instruction     Retrieved from http://pubs.cde.ca.gov/tcsii/documentlibrary/effectintelligence.aspx