Resolving conflict using Nonviolent Communication and the 3 Rs

In my current capacity as an Assistant Teacher, I co-teach a Pre-K classroom with two other teachers. One of the teachers is the Lead teacher for the classroom while the other teacher holds the title Assistant Teacher like me. Despite the titles we hold, our goal has been to work collaboratively as a team. However, over the two years that we have been working together as a team we have had many issues which we have not been able to resolve completely. My Lead Teacher and I often felt that the Assistant Teacher was not fulfilling her share of daily classroom responsibilities. During planning meetings she would often stay quiet neither contributing ideas nor expressing any opinions about ideas offered by us. Often times, she would not follow through with the lesson plans designed for the classroom. In addition, she seemed to have a difficult time accepting direction from the Lead Teacher or myself. Even though we tried to talk to her about the situation she became defensive and shutdown to the point where we had no way of knowing what she was thinking, feeling or what her own frustrations might be. Despite our frustrations and our inability to resolve the situation did not approach the Director about it, not wanting to get our co-worker ‘in trouble’. She on the other hand, rather than discussing her frustrations with us directly, approached the Director and complained that we were excluding her, not taking her ideas into consideration, not communicating with her etc. This led to a meeting with the Director where each of us got the opportunity to openly voice our concerns. The Director immediately recognized that the underlying issue was our failure to communicate with each other effectively.  

                Looking back on the conflict I believe that my colleagues and I could have handled the situation more effectively by applying the concepts of Nonviolent Communication and the 3 R s. First of all, I think we all needed to take the time to see things from each other’s perspectives and understand what the other may have been feeling about the situation. During our discussion we learned from the Assistant Teacher that the way the Lead Teacher asked her to do something made her feel as if she was ordered around. My Lead Teacher and I made her aware that while our intentions were not to exclude her, rather than place blame on us alone for not communicating with her that she too needs to take the initiative to find out what is going on and be an active part of the conversations taking place about the classroom. There were many other issues that were discussed during the meeting that allowed all three of us to learn about how each of us felt and what we needed from each other to improve the situation. 

Although I was unaware of the concept of Nonviolent Communication and the 3Rs at the time, looking back as well as moving forward I can see how our relationships can benefit from being more respectful and responsive in our interactions, stating observations about a situation rather than judging, taking each other’s feelings and needs into consideration and being mindful of our choice of words when we are making requests so it does not seem like we are making demands.  While we have been able to improve the situation by being more conscious about how we communicate with each other, our efforts at working well together as a team is still a work in progress. My Lead Teacher and I ensure that the Assistant Teacher is aware of all classroom happenings and plans and she too makes the effort to check-in with us regularly. My Lead teacher is more conscious about how she asks the Assistant Teacher to do a task and we all make an extra effort to active listen to each other. I believe that by using my newfound knowledge, my colleagues and I will be able to become more effective communicators and improve how we function as a team.

Evaluating my Communication Skills

For this week’s assignment, I asked my husband and my co-teacher to evaluate my communication skills. I was surprised to find that all that the three of us felt similarly but pleased because I felt that it is an indication that their perception of me is similar to how I perceive myself. In the communication anxiety inventory, I earned a moderate score. I do well communicating in both one-on-one and small group situations, but have extreme anxiety about addressing a large crowd and both my husband and colleague are well aware of that. The listening scale indicated that I am a people-oriented communicator. I am generally a quiet person and tend to listen more before speaking. As the results indicated, I am very trusting of others and over the years, experience has taught me that while being empathetic towards others, it is also wise to be cautious so as not to cloud my judgments. 

In the verbal aggressiveness scale, my scores placed me in the moderate category. As my score indicates, I try as much as possible to maintain a good balance between respect and consideration for the viewpoints of others and argue facts rather than attack a person. However, I was almost expecting different results from my husband’s evaluation because I am fully aware that I sometimes have a little less patience when communicating with him and other family members and am more vocal about my opinions in the comfort of our home environment than I am at work and in other professional settings. I was somewhat surprised yet pleased to hear that he feels that I do communicate respectfully and consider the viewpoints of others. My emotions often get in the way of being able communicate effectively, especially when communicating with my family. I try harder to not let emotions interfere in my work life since I am very aware that it would be very unprofessional. I am fully aware that I need to try harder to keep my emotions in check and make sure I am being respectful at all times, especially when interacting with my family. 

One of the main insights I gained this week was how our self-concept and self-esteem impact how we communicate with others. According to O’Hair & Wienmann (2012), our self-concept shapes what we think of others because our perception of others is related to how we perceive ourselves and this in turn impacts how we respond to others in different situations. I don’t consider myself to be a strong communicator and often question my abilities and therefore often shy away from becoming involved in situations that would place me at the center of attention. I found it interesting that while our self-concept influences how and when we communicate with others, the information we get from interacting with others helps us to develop, confirm or change our self-concept. I realize that by putting myself out there instead of shying away will help me develop a stronger self-concept which I hope will also boost my self-esteem and in turn help me become more confident in my communication both as a professional and in my personal life. 

References

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.

Adapting Communication Styles

          In my life, I interact with and communicate with a variety of individuals belonging to different groups and cultures on a regular basis.  When I thought about the ways in which I communicate with them, I realized that I adapt my style of communication according to context and who I am speaking to. At times, while I make a conscious decision to alter how I communicate, at other times I do it unconsciously. For example, although I would communicate differently with my parents than I would with close friends, the change in style happens automatically. However, if I were communicating with a new parent attending my preschool program, first of all I would alter my style of communicate to be professional in comparison to the casual language I would use with friends and family and secondly I would listen to the individual, ask questions and look for non-verbal cues before making a conscious decision on the appropriate style of communication. Even among friends, due to difference in cultural contexts, how I communicate with friends in Sri Lanka differs to how I communicate with friends in the US. 

My ultimate goal in all my communications is to ensure that I am being culturally sensitive towards everyone I communicate with and being respectful towards all.  In order to achieve that, both in my professional life as well as in my personal life, I have realized that I need to make conscious decisions about what I should say or not say so as not to offend anyone as a result of differences in race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, varying abilities, cultural traditions and beliefs etc. For example when I recently met a close friend’s husband for the first time, I realized that I couldn’t communicate with him the same way I could with my friend. As we conversed I learned we had very different views on some topics and had to be cautious and conscious of what I said so as not to offend him. For example, unlike my friend who is Christian, he was an atheist and I being of the Christian Faith myself, I realized it would be best if we avoided discussing religion so no one would be left feeling offended in anyway. 

            This week’s resources (Gonzalez-Mena, J., 2010) taught me several strategies that I believe would help me be a more effective communicator when interacting with others from different groups and cultures:

-          Acknowledge the fact that the way we see the world is not the only way or the right way and take the time to see things and understand things through the eyes of others before rushing to judgment.

-          Take the time to be aware of my own non-verbal behaviors as well as take the time to understand the meaning behind the behaviors of others.

-          Not make assumptions about cultural groups or feel as if I can predict someone’s behavior just because I have some knowledge of their culture.

References:

Gonzalez-Mena, J. (2010). 50 strategies for communicating and working with diverse families. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Non-Verbal Communication - Reflections on watching a TV program without sound

I chose to watch an episode of the show ‘Still Standing. The main characters in the story seemed to be a family of five; the Mom, the Dad, two daughters and a son.  In addition, in this episode there were two additional characters who I assumed to be a friend of the Mom’s and a neighbor of the family. During the most of their interactions with each other, the family seemed to become frustrated with each other easily. This was visible in their facial expressions and in their body language. During several instances throughout the program, anger and frustration were visible in the Mom’s face, in the son’s face and the older daughter’s face. The Dad is smiling throughout most of the show and he seemed to use humor in his interactions. Both the Mom and Dad seemed to use sarcasm in their interactions with each other. Mom seemed to be the most expressive through the use of her facial expressions, especially the use of eyes such as eye rolls and raised eyebrows. A look of shock, disbelief and anger is seen in the Mom’s face when she discovers both the son and Dad at their neighbor’s house giving her admiring glances when they were supposedly helping her out. The Mom’s friend looked worried about something as she sat in the family’s kitchen talking to the Mom. The family can also be seen using various hand gestures to stress the point their making. For example the Dad is trying to take the younger daughter’s temperature and it seems the older daughter is doubtful that he knows what he is doing. He puts up his hand as if to say ‘wait a minute, I know what I am doing’. In another instance, the older daughter is seen addressing the parents with both hands on her hips as if in anger and frustration. In another instance, the son shakes his head as if to say no when both his parents at different times seem to offer him advice and help with his school work. 

          My assumptions about the relationships between the family members was accurate although the lady the Dad and son were helping out were not a neighbor they knew as I had assumed but someone the son found to help out for community service. My general assumptions about the plot were accurate, such as the son and Dad ‘helping out’ the lady just to admire her and the Mom being upset at discovering it. There were several parts of the plot I missed, such as the Mom being unhappy and unwilling to deal with the fact that her little boy is growing up and is becoming a man. My assumption that the Mom’s friend was talking to her about a problem was also accurate. I feel like I was able to make many accurate assumptions about the main characters and overall plot of the show just by observing their non-verbal behaviors. However, by watching the show with the sound on, I realized that there were several aspects to the story I missed which were revealed when I listened to the verbal communication between the characters. For example, I assumed the parents were trying to help the son with homework, when he was actually looking for community service jobs. I feel my assumptions about this show would have been more accurate if it was a show I watched regularly because I would have a better understanding about the dynamics between the characters.

         I truly enjoyed this assignment and what I realized by doing it was the importance of both non-verbal and verbal skills in our communication. If the characters had not used as many non-verbal skills as they did, I would not have been able to make as many assumptions about the characters and plot as I was able to in this case when watching without sound. When I actually listened to the communications that took place among the characters in the show I realized that the verbal communication added significantly to the plot some of which I had missed by just observing non-verbal behavior. I think that the use of both non-verbal skills as well as verbal skills is essential for communicating effectively and being effectively understood by the listener.

Competent Communicators

When I think of someone I know who I believe is a competent communicator, I think of my father. In addition to being a college professor for over thirty years, he has held many leadership positions throughout his career which required him to interact with many different kinds of personalities and address many different types of audiences from college student to politicians. 

My father is very approachable. He is always a very willing and attentive listener. He listens to all that you have to say before providing his own input. He asks clarifying questions if needed. When he responds, he responds in a very thoughtful manner. Whatever the issue maybe, I can always count on him to look at a situation objectively. There have been many times when I was able to only see one side of a situation he would surprise me by pointing out a different way of looking at it. Regardless of his own personal opinion he would point out multiple ways of looking at a situation. If a decision needs to be made, he would point out the pros and cons without pressuring me to make a decision on way or another. For this reason, I usually turn to him when I need advice before I make any important decisions and many family members and friends do the same. I also admire my father’s ability to stay even in emotionally charged situations and his ability to use his tone of voice which is always respectful to get his point across. I have yet to see him react to a situation with emotion. 

I have always been quick to respond with emotion to situation especially within my own family. I am also quick to respond without first taking the time to think things through. My father’s ability to stay calm even in emotionally charged situations and his approach to thinking before speaking are two communication skills that I admire and would definitely likely to master.